Soft Start-Ups in Relationships: Gottman Relationship Therapy Provides a Key to Better Communication
- Kylie Walls
- Sep 10
- 8 min read
Introduction
We’ve all experienced the frustration when something your partner or family member did (or didn’t do) has left you feeling upset, and you know you need to bring it up. Maybe they forgot something important, maybe you’ve felt lonely and unseen, or maybe you’re just exhausted from carrying too much. You start the conversation, but before you even get to the heart of it, things spiral out of control. Suddenly, both of you are defensive, frustrated, and further apart than when you began. Perhaps one of you has then withdrawn altogether for a time.
What Contributes to Difficult Conversations turning into arguments
Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that the way a conversation begins is a powerful predictor of how it will end. When we start harshly with criticism, blame, or hostility, the conversation usually turns into conflict. But when we begin softly, by calmly sharing feelings and needs, we give ourselves and our partner the best chance of finding connection and resolution.
This skill is known in Gottman relationships therapy as the soft start-up, and it’s one of the most important tools for healthy communication in relationships. In this post, we’ll dive deep into:
What soft start-ups are and why they matter
The difference between soft and harsh start-ups
How to practice soft start-ups in everyday life
Why they work from a psychological and relational perspective
How schema therapy helps us understand the deeper triggers behind harsh start-ups
Reflection questions and strategies you can use to grow
What Is a Soft Start-Up?
A soft start-up is a gentle way of raising concerns with your partner. Instead of jumping in with accusations (“You never listen to me!”), you express your feelings and needs in a clear but respectful way (“I feel a bit lonely when we don’t have time together. Could we plan a night this week just for us?”).
The aim is not to avoid problems or sugarcoat issues. A soft start-up communicates the truth but in a way that reduces defensiveness and protects the bond between you.
Think of it as knocking gently on a door rather than bursting in. Both ways might get someone’s attention, but one is far more likely to keep the relationship intact.
Why Soft Start-Ups Work
1. They reduce defensiveness
When conversations start with blame, the natural human response is to defend. This shuts down listening and empathy. A softer opening invites your partner to stay open and engaged.
2. They create relational safety and predictability which strengthens attachment
Harsh starts signal danger—your partner feels attacked. Soft starts communicate that even though you’re raising something difficult, you care about the relationship and want it to succeed.
3. They encourage teamwork
Instead of “me vs. you,” soft starts set the tone for “us vs. the problem.” You are a team working towards solving this together. This mindset shift makes it easier to collaborate.
4. They protect the bond
Every couple has disagreements, but how those disagreements are handled makes the difference. Soft start-ups allow couples to stay connected, even in conflict.
Harsh vs. Soft Start-Ups
Harsh Start-Up | Soft Start-Up |
“You never help me around here.” | “I feel tired and would really appreciate your help with dinner tonight.” |
“You don’t care about me.” | “I miss feeling close to you. Can we spend some time together this week?” |
“You’re always on your phone!” | “I feel left out when we’re together and the phone takes over. Could we have some no-phone time?” |
“Why do you always forget?!” | “It helps me feel calmer when things are remembered. Can we try writing reminders together?” |
Notice that the soft start-ups don’t minimise the problem. They name the emotion, express the need, and invite collaboration—all without attacking.
How to Practice Soft Start-Ups
The shift from harsh to soft start-ups is simple in theory but challenging in practice—especially when emotions are running high. Here are some steps to help:
1. Start with “I”
Express how you feel, not what your partner is doing wrong.
Instead of: “You never listen.”
Try: “I feel sad when I don’t feel heard.”
2. Name the feeling
Clear emotional language helps your partner understand what’s happening for you. “Lonely,” “frustrated,” “overwhelmed,” and “worried” are more effective than vague complaints.
3. Focus on needs, not faults
State what you want, not what your partner failed to do.
Instead of: “You don’t care about me.”
Try: “I’d love it if we could spend some time together this week.”
4. Keep your tone calm and respectful
Words are only part of the message. Your tone, body language, and timing all matter. A gentle delivery is key.
5. Be specific
General complaints (“You always…” or “You never…”) fuel defensiveness. Specific requests (“Could we take a walk after dinner tonight?”) invite cooperation.
6. Show empathy and understanding for your partner
It’s easy to get caught up in our own frustration, but relationships thrive when both partners feel seen and understood. When you show empathy—by recognising that your partner is also carrying stress, pressures, or worries—you communicate that you value their perspective and care about their experience. This doesn’t mean excusing hurtful behaviour; it means creating space for compassion alongside your own needs.
Acknowledging your partner’s challenges helps soften the conversation and reduces the chance they’ll feel attacked. It shifts the tone from blame to partnership.
Instead of: “You’re always distracted and never listen to me.”
Try: “I know you’ve had a lot on your plate lately, and I appreciate how hard you’re working. I’ve also been feeling a bit lonely—could we plan some time just for us?”
By combining empathy with honesty about your own feelings, you create a more balanced start-up—one that opens the door for connection rather than defensiveness.
Why Do We Start Harshly?
If soft start-ups are so effective, why do we often begin harshly?
The answer lies in human psychology. When we feel threatened—by rejection, abandonment, or disconnection—our nervous system reacts as though we’re in danger. The fight, flight, or freeze response kicks in.
Fight may look like criticism or anger.
Flight may look like withdrawal or avoidance.
Freeze may look like stonewalling or shutting down.
These reactions are automatic. They’re often less about the present situation and more about old wounds being touched. This is where schema therapy helps us understand the deeper layers.
A Schema Therapy Perspective
Schema therapy offers a powerful lens for understanding why soft start-ups can be so hard to use consistently.
Schemas and Modes at Play when we use Harsh start-ups
Schema Therapy for Couples can also provide a lens for understanding why we tend to use harsh start-ups, and why partners react the way they do to them. A schema is a deep, lifelong pattern of thought and feeling, usually formed in childhood. When activated, schemas trigger strong emotional reactions.
Some common schemas behind harsh start-ups include:
Abandonment: “You’ll leave me or won’t be there for me.”
Emotional Deprivation: “My needs will never be met.”
Defectiveness/Shame: “I’m not good enough and you’ll see it.”
Mistrust/Abuse: “Others will hurt or take advantage of me.”
When these schemas are activated, protective modes often take over:
Angry Child Mode: lashes out with frustration.
Overcontroller or Perfectionist Modes: criticises to feel safer.
Detached Protector Mode: shuts down, withdraws, or uses sarcasm.
These modes may feel protective, but they often damage relationships.
The Healthy Adult Mode
Soft start-ups emerge from the Healthy Adult Mode. This part of us:
Recognises when old schemas are triggered.
Pauses before reacting.
Listens to the vulnerable child part that needs care.
Expresses needs directly, respectfully, and with compassion.
By practising soft start-ups, we strengthen the Healthy Adult and reduce the grip of protective modes.
Practical Examples
Here are a few everyday examples of turning harsh starts into soft ones, with a schema lens:
Scenario: Partner is late coming home.
Harsh: “You don’t care about me! You’re always late.”
Likely schema: Abandonment.
Soft: “I felt worried when you didn’t arrive when expected. Could you send me a quick text next time?”
Scenario: Partner forgot to pay a bill.
Harsh: “You’re so irresponsible! I can’t trust you.”
Likely schema: Mistrust/Abuse.
Soft: “I get anxious when bills are missed. Can we make a plan to pay them together?”
Scenario: Partner is on their phone during dinner.
Harsh: “You care more about your phone than me.”
Likely schema: Emotional Deprivation.
Soft: “I feel a bit unseen when we eat and you’re on your phone. Could we make dinner our time together?”
Building the Habit of Soft Start-Ups
Like any skill, soft start-ups take practice. Here are some tips for making them part of your relationship toolkit:
Pause before speaking. Take a breath, notice what you’re feeling, and give yourself a moment to shift from reaction to response.
Journaling practice. Write out recent harsh start-ups and reframe them into soft versions.
Couple’s agreement. Talk with your partner about wanting to practise this skill together—it helps when both are on board.
Therapy support. If schemas are frequently triggered, working with a therapist can help unpack the deeper layers and strengthen Healthy Adult responses.
Reflection Questions
Take a moment to reflect on your own patterns:
When I feel upset, how do I usually begin conversations?
What emotions do I tend to mask with criticism or blame?
Which schema might be underneath my frustration?
Which mode usually takes over in those moments?
How could I invite my Healthy Adult to step forward instead?
What would a soft start-up sound like in my own words?
Final Thought
Soft start-ups are not about avoiding conflict or being “too nice.” They are about beginning conversations in ways that give both partners the best chance of being heard, understood, and respected.
When you practise soft start-ups, you not only protect your relationship—you also honour the vulnerable parts of yourself that long to be cared for. Over time, this habit strengthens connection, fosters teamwork, and allows love to grow even in the face of inevitable disagreements.
Taking the Next Step
Learning to use soft start-ups is a powerful skill, but sometimes it can feel difficult to change long-standing patterns on your own—especially when deeper wounds or recurring conflicts are involved. That’s where relationship therapy can help.
In my online relationships therapy work with couples, I integrate Gottman Method principles—such as soft start-ups, managing conflict, and building friendship—with the depth of Schema Therapy for Couples, which explores the underlying patterns and emotional triggers that often keep partners stuck. This combination not only helps couples improve day-to-day communication but also addresses the deeper relational needs and hurts that drive conflict beneath the surface.
If you and your partner find yourselves repeating the same arguments, struggling to feel heard, or longing for a closer, more secure connection, couples therapy can provide a safe space to break unhelpful cycles and build a stronger foundation for your relationship.
You don’t have to keep having the same fights. With support, it’s possible to create new patterns of understanding, safety, and closeness.
Book an appointment today or reach out today to learn how relationship therapy could support you and your partner.
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References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). The Natural Principles of Love. The Gottman Institute.
Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide. Guilford Press.
Arntz, A., & Jacob, G. (2013). Schema Therapy in Practice: An Introductory Guide to the Schema Mode Approach. Wiley-Blackwell.
Lobbestael, J., Van Vreeswijk, M. F., & Arntz, A. (2008). Shedding light on schema modes: A clarification of the mode concept and its current research status. Netherlands Journal of Psychology, 64(3), 107–117.
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