Domestic and Family Violence Psychologist Online

Psychological Support for Domestic Violence Recovery

Domestic violence is a pattern of behaviours used to gain power and control over a partner or family member. It can include physical assaults, emotional abuse, financial restrictions, sexual harm, or spiritual manipulation. While physical violence may be more visible, the impact of non-physical forms is just as serious, leaving lasting effects on safety, wellbeing, and self-worth. As a psychologist, I work with adults affected by domestic violence to process trauma, regain autonomy, and rebuild healthier patterns for the future.

Book An Appointment

"Domestic violence is not just about physical harm — it’s about power, control, and the lasting impact on safety and dignity".

Information about Depression

Understanding Domestic Violence and Coercive Control

Domestic and family violence (DFV) extends far beyond physical harm. It is often rooted in patterns of power and control that erode a person’s sense of safety, autonomy, and identity. Many survivors describe the emotional and psychological impact as even more devastating than physical incidents. Coercive control—sometimes called the “invisible chains” of abuse—includes tactics such as isolating a partner from support networks, restricting access to finances, monitoring movements, manipulating children, and instilling fear through intimidation or threats.

These behaviours can entrap a partner in a cycle where leaving feels impossible, and hope becomes overshadowed by fear and confusion.

My own research into intimate partner control examined the dynamics underlying these patterns. I explored how controlling behaviours appear across every aspect of life—emotional, physical, sexual, financial, social, and spiritual. What emerged was a clear picture: abuse is not simply about conflict, stress, or anger, but rather a deliberate attempt to dominate, silence, and dismantle a partner’s independence. By naming and recognising these behaviours, survivors often feel empowered to understand that what they are experiencing is not their fault.

Domestic violence is tragically widespread. It affects people of all ages, cultural backgrounds, socioeconomic levels, and religious beliefs. Yet each survivor’s story is unique, and the impact is deeply personal. For some, it is the erosion of confidence and hope; for others, it is living with the constant vigilance of anticipating their partner’s moods and reactions. Over time, survivors often develop symptoms of trauma, such as anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, and intrusive memories. Left unaddressed, these effects can shape relationships, work, health, and spiritual life for years to come.

Recognising the seriousness of coercive control is critical. While bruises may fade, the wounds of fear, intimidation, and manipulation are harder to see, but no less real. The first step toward recovery often involves acknowledging that abuse has taken place and understanding the full spectrum of behaviours that constitute domestic violence. With the right support, survivors can begin the journey from fear and shame toward empowerment, healing, and hope.

Domestic Violence and Faith: Unique Challenges

For people of faith, domestic violence can carry additional layers of complexity. Beliefs about marriage, forgiveness, submission, and suffering can be manipulated by abusive partners to justify harmful behaviours or to pressure survivors into silence. Phrases such as “God hates divorce” or “wives must submit to their husbands” have been weaponised in some religious communities, making survivors feel that leaving is a spiritual failure or that seeking help would dishonour God.

In my clinical work and research, I have seen how deeply damaging these distortions can be.

Survivors of faith often grieve not only the abuse itself, but also the spiritual confusion and betrayal that comes when Scripture or religious teaching is twisted to excuse cruelty. Therefore, Domestic violence when perpetrated in faith-based contexts often involve elements of spiritual abuse Many Christians and people of faith describe feeling abandoned by their faith community or being told to “pray more” or “forgive and forget,” which only increases isolation and despair.

There can also be an impact on a sense of community standing. In close-knit faith environments, the abusive partner may be a respected leader, volunteer, or well-known member of their faith community. This creates additional pressure on survivors, who fear they will not be believed or will be blamed for “causing trouble” if they speak out. Some are even told that maintaining family reputation is more important than addressing abuse and seeking safety. This can lead to a sense of instituational betrayal for survivors.

Yet faith can also be a powerful source of resilience and healing. Survivors who are supported by safe, trauma-informed faith leaders and communities often draw strength from their relationship with God, finding hope, dignity, and purpose as they rebuild their lives. It is vital to acknowledge that abuse is never consistent with genuine faith or spiritual integrity. Faith should empower love, respect, and safety—not coercion or control.

Addressing domestic violence in faith contexts requires sensitivity to both the spiritual and psychological dimensions of recovery. Therapy can help survivors who are experiencing associated mental health challenges. Therapy can also help domestic violence survivors process and understand the dynamics of abuse, process spiritual struggles, understand the impact of distorted teachings, and find new meaning after abuse. Equally, it can provide tools for navigating complex community dynamics, boundary setting, and rebuilding trust in human relationships is also an important part of domestic violence recovery.

The Complex Dynamics of Abuse

Domestic violence thrives in secrecy and silence. Survivors frequently blame themselves or minimise the abuse, especially when the abusive partner appears loving or generous at times. This push-and-pull dynamic can create powerful emotional bonds known as “trauma bonds,” where affection and abuse become entangled. The cycle of tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm can leave survivors feeling trapped and questioning their own judgment.

Abusive relationships also thrive on social myths. Many people still assume domestic violence only involves physical assaults, or that leaving should be “easy” if someone really wants to. In reality, survivors often face enormous barriers to leaving safely—fear of escalated violence, concern for children, financial dependency, community stigma, or cultural pressures. In some cases, survivors have endured years of gaslighting, where their partner denies or reframes reality, leaving them doubting their own memory and perception.

Another layer of complexity lies in how abusers present themselves publicly. Perpetrators may appear charming, responsible, or even highly respected within their communities. This “dual identity” can make it difficult for survivors to be believed when they disclose their experiences. Research highlights how perpetrators often manipulate not just their partners, but also friends, family, professionals, and even religious leaders, creating confusion and undermining support for the victim.

In my research, I found that survivors described feeling as though every aspect of their lives was subject to control. From choices about clothing and friendships to decisions about finances, children, and spiritual practice, the abuser’s presence was constant. This level of intrusion often leaves survivors experiencing significant mental health concerns, including anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and complex trauma. Understanding the full scope of these tactics and their psychological impact is vital — not just for survivors seeking clarity, but also for professionals and communities who wish to provide effective, trauma-informed support. Recognising these complex dynamics is the foundation of effective intervention.

Therapy provides a space where survivors can begin untangling these experiences, challenge self-blame, and understand how the cycle of abuse affected them. Through this process, many begin to rediscover their own voice, values, and strength—essential steps in recovery.

Support, Recovery, and Healing after Domestic Violence

Recovery from domestic violence is both a practical and emotional journey. Survivors often need immediate safety, financial stability, housing, and legal support. Equally important, however, is the opportunity to heal psychologically and spiritually.

Therapy provides a safe, confidential space to process trauma and regain a sense of control. At Curated Mind Psychology, my approach integrates Schema Therapy, a model that addresses deep patterns formed in early life and reinforced through abuse, with other trauma-informed methods such as EMDR, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and compassion-focused therapy. These approaches help survivors rebuild their sense of self, manage intrusive memories, reduce anxiety, and cultivate healthier patterns of relating.

For people of faith, recovery may also involve understanding elements of spiritual abuse, exploring safe expressions of faith, and re-establishing a sense of belonging and safety with others.

Support is not one-size-fits-all. Some survivors need short-term stabilisation; others benefit from longer-term therapy to address complex trauma. Some seek to rebuild their marriage in healthier ways, while others need support through separation or co-parenting. Wherever you are in the journey, compassionate and evidence-based support can help you move from survival toward healing and growth.

If you are living with domestic violence, please know that you are not alone. Reaching out for support is not weakness, it is a courageous step toward reclaiming safety and dignity.

Online sessions mean you can access support discreetly and flexibly, wherever you are in Australia. With the right help, healing and hope are possible.

Frequently Asked Questions

What experience do you have in the area of domestic and family violence?

My background includes both research and professional practice in the area of domestic and family violence. My research examined patterns of control in intimate relationships, including the ways coercive control and other forms of abuse affect every aspect of a person’s life.

Professionally, I have worked as a Domestic and Family Violence Advisor, supporting spiritual leaders, schools, and NGOs to respond safely and effectively to disclosures of abuse. This has included helping communities and organisations navigate the complex dynamics of domestic violence, and providing guidance on safe responses for both adults and children.

I have also developed domestic and family violence policies and procedures for a large Christian organisation. This involved working to ensure that the policies were trauma-informed, aligned with best practice, and sensitive to the unique challenges that can arise in faith contexts.

Together, this experience enables me to offer both individual therapeutic support and an informed understanding of the broader systems that impact survivors of domestic and family violence. I also have a good knowledge of broarder supports that are available to survivors and their children when they are recovering from domestic and family violence.

How do I know if what I’m experiencing is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is not limited to physical harm. It includes emotional abuse, financial control, coercion, intimidation, and isolation. If you feel fearful, controlled, or unable to make your own choices, you may be experiencing domestic violence.

Is online support safe if I am still living with my partner?

Safety is always the top priority, and if you have any concerns for your safety, you can request a confidential phone call to discuss your situation prior to booking so you can discuss these concerns. Together we can discuss strategies to ensure confidentiality and minimise risks, such as using headphones, a separate e-mail address, or secure devices.

If you have immediate concerns for your safety at any times please call 000.

Can therapy help even if I am not ready to leave the relationship?

Yes. Therapy can provide tools for coping, clarity about your situation, and support for making safe, informed decisions—whether or not you choose to leave.

I am a Christian who is experiencing domestic violence and coercive control, and I wonder if it’s okay to leave my partner because I’ve been told “God hates divorce.”

Many people of faith who experience domestic violence struggle deeply with this question. As a psychologist, I don’t provide theological answers, but I do see how these concerns can weigh heavily on a person’s emotional wellbeing and sense of safety. For some, beliefs around divorce can create guilt, shame, or fear that make it harder to seek help.

While I cannot speak as a theologian, it may be reassuring to know that most faith leaders today emphasise that God’s heart is for love, protection, and justice, and they do not see leaving an abusive relationship as a failure of faith. If this is something you want to explore further, I encourage seeking input from safe and trusted faith leaders alongside psychological support.

Therapy can provide a safe place to explore these feelings, understand how abuse may distort spiritual teachings, and work toward decisions that prioritise safety and dignity. I am able to support Christians seeking Christian counselling for domestic violence, and help you to process the emotional and spiritual impact, separate harmful distortions from life-giving faith, and take steps toward healing, safety, and renewed hope.

I was in a relationship with domestic violence, and recognise that the physical violence and coercive control were destructive. Although I have left, I feel my partner is committed to change. Can you help me work through whether reconciliation is possible?

This is an important and complex question. As a psychologist, my role is not to decide for you but to support you in carefully considering your options. A key focus in therapy will always be your safety, and the safety of any children and other people living in the home. We can work together on risk assessment — looking at whether your partner’s behaviours have genuinely shifted or whether old patterns may still be present.

Therapy can also help you:

Understand patterns common in abuse — for example, how promises of change may be part of a cycle, and what sustained behavioural change looks like.
Evaluate behaviour rather than words — recognising that genuine change is shown through consistent, safe, and respectful actions over time.
Clarify your boundaries and non-negotiables — what needs to be different for you to feel safe and respected.
Process the impact of past abuse — understanding how trauma may affect your feelings, decision-making, and ability to trust again.

The decision about reconciliation is deeply personal, but it should never come at the cost of your safety or wellbeing, or that of those in your care. Therapy provides a structured, supportive space where you can reflect on risks and possibilities, strengthen your sense of agency, and make informed choices that align with your values and protect your future.

I have come to realise that I experienced domestic and family violence as a child and teenager in my family. Can you help me work through this?

Yes. Many adults only recognise later in life that what they experienced as children or teenagers was domestic and family violence. This realisation can bring up a wide mix of emotions — grief for what was lost, anger at what happened, confusion about family relationships, and even self-doubt about whether it “really counts” as abuse. As a psychologist, I can help you process these experiences in a safe and supportive environment.

Therapy may involve untangling the long-term effects of childhood trauma, such as difficulties with trust, relationships, anxiety, or self-worth. Schema Therapy and other trauma-informed approaches can help make sense of patterns that developed in response to early abuse, and support you in building healthier, more empowering ways of relating to yourself and others. You do not need to go through this alone — therapy can provide both understanding and practical tools for recovery.

I have left a destructive relationship, but now realise that my children have been affected by domestic and family violence in the home. Can you help me support them?

Yes. Children are always affected by domestic and family violence, even if they are not directly harmed. Growing up in a home where there is fear, coercion, or violence can have lasting effects on their sense of safety, trust, and emotional wellbeing. Some children may become anxious, withdrawn, or fearful, while others may act out with anger, defiance, or difficulty concentrating. It is not uncommon for children to carry guilt, shame, or confusion, blaming themselves for the conflict in the home.

At this time, I do not work directly with children, but I provide parenting support for adults — something research has shown to be a crucial part of helping children recover and thrive after experiencing domestic and family violence. As a psychologist, I can help you understand how exposure to violence may have shaped your child’s behaviour and emotions, and support you in responding to their needs in a safe and nurturing way. This may include:

Helping you recognise signs of trauma such as sleep difficulties, heightened startle responses, or changes in mood and behaviour.
Supporting you to provide stability and reassurance, so your children can begin to rebuild a sense of safety.
Developing practical parenting strategies to manage behaviour while fostering connection and emotional regulation.
Working with you as a parent to strengthen your confidence and sense of agency after the disempowerment of abuse.

Importantly, children are remarkably resilient when given the right support. With safety, consistent care, and opportunities to heal, many children go on to thrive after experiencing domestic and family violence. Therapy can be a crucial step in helping both you and your children move forward with hope, security, and healthier relationships.

I have left a destructive relationship, but now realise that my children have been affected by domestic and family violence in the home. Can you help me support them?

Yes. Children are always affected by domestic and family violence, even if they are not directly harmed. Growing up in a home where there is fear, coercion, or violence can have lasting effects on their sense of safety, trust, and emotional wellbeing. Some children may become anxious, withdrawn, or fearful, while others may act out with anger, defiance, or difficulty concentrating. It is not uncommon for children to carry guilt, shame, or confusion, blaming themselves for the conflict in the home.

At this time, I do not work directly with children, but I provide parenting support for adults — something research has shown to be a crucial part of helping children recover and thrive after experiencing domestic and family violence. As a psychologist, I can help you understand how exposure to violence may have shaped your child’s behaviour and emotions, and support you in responding to their needs in a safe and nurturing way. This may include:

Helping you recognise signs of trauma such as sleep difficulties, heightened startle responses, or changes in mood and behaviour.
Supporting you to provide stability and reassurance, so your children can begin to rebuild a sense of safety.
Developing practical parenting strategies to manage behaviour while fostering connection and emotional regulation.
Working with you as a parent to strengthen your confidence and sense of agency after the disempowerment of abuse.

Importantly, children are remarkably resilient when given the right support. With safety, consistent care, and opportunities to heal, many children go on to thrive after experiencing domestic and family violence. Therapy can be a crucial step in helping both you and your children move forward with hope, security, and healthier relationships.

Why do I still miss my partner even though they hurt me?

Many survivors are surprised to find that even after leaving, they still miss the person who harmed them. This doesn’t mean you are weak or that what happened wasn’t serious. Abusive relationships often involve what’s called a trauma bond — a powerful emotional attachment that develops when cycles of affection, fear, and control become intertwined. The same person who caused pain may also have been the one providing moments of comfort, apology, or intimacy, which creates confusing and conflicting emotions.

Therapy can help you understand this dynamic, reduce feelings of shame about it, and support you in grieving the relationship while strengthening healthier patterns of connection. Over time, many people find they can hold onto the lessons they’ve learned without being pulled back into unsafe dynamics.

I feel ashamed and blame myself for staying so long — is that normal?

Yes. Feelings of shame and self-blame are very common after domestic and family violence. Survivors often wonder, “Why didn’t I leave sooner?” or “Why did I put up with it?” It’s important to know that these responses are part of how abuse works. Coercive control, gaslighting, and manipulation can make it incredibly hard to see the situation clearly while you are in it. Survivors also stay because of love, hope, financial pressures, children, cultural or faith beliefs, or fear of what might happen if they leave.

From a Schema Therapy perspective, experiences of abuse can activate deep emotional patterns (schemas) formed earlier in life — for example, schemas of defectiveness/shame (“there must be something wrong with me”), self-sacrifice (“I have to put others first, even if it hurts me”), or subjugation (“I can’t say no or I’ll be punished”). These schemas can make survivors more vulnerable to blaming themselves or tolerating mistreatment, even when the abuse is not their fault.

Therapy can help you identify and understand these schemas, recognise how they were reinforced by the abusive relationship, and begin to develop healthier patterns of self-worth, boundaries, and empowerment. You are not to blame for someone else’s choice to be abusive. Recognising this — and learning to challenge those old patterns — is an important step in recovery and rebuilding self-compassion.

Is there a difference between coercive control and domestic violence?

Domestic and family violence is an umbrella term that includes many different forms of abuse — physical, sexual, emotional, financial, social, and spiritual. Coercive control is a particular pattern within domestic violence. It refers to a deliberate and ongoing strategy where one person uses intimidation, isolation, manipulation, and control to dominate the other.

Generally, domestic violence does not occur without some element of control. Coercive control is therefore often evident to some degree in most relationships where domestic and family violence is present. While the types and intensity of control may vary, patterns of intimidation, restriction, or manipulation are usually central to how abuse operates.

Physical violence may or may not be present, but the hallmark of coercive control is a pattern of behaviours that restricts a person’s freedom and erodes their sense of self. Examples include monitoring movements, cutting someone off from friends or family, controlling finances, dictating daily routines, or using threats to create fear.

My research into control in intimate relationships highlighted how coercive control often underpins domestic violence. While physical assaults may be the most visible, coercive control operates in the background — creating the conditions of fear, entrapment, and dependence that keep someone in the relationship.

Understanding this distinction is important: a relationship without frequent physical assaults can still be extremely unsafe if coercive control is present. Therapy can help survivors make sense of these dynamics, reduce self-blame, and work toward recovery from the often invisible wounds of control.