From Defensiveness to Dialogue: Tools for Healthier Interactions

Defensiveness is a deeply human reaction. When we perceive criticism or feel emotionally exposed, our brains quickly move to protect us. Whether it shows up as a sharp reply, a counter-attack, or a passive withdrawal, defensiveness is often an attempt to preserve our sense of self. But while it may serve a short-term function, over time defensiveness creates long-term relational difficulties, and undermines our intimate partnerships, family relationships and leadership.

According to renowned relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, defensiveness is one of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" in relationships. The Four Horsemen are a set of behaviors that were identified in research to strongly predict divorce or relational breakdown. Gottman's research found that defensiveness often arises as a way to ward off a perceived attack, but it actually escalates conflict and prevents resolution (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

What Is Defensiveness?

Defensiveness is a self-protective behaviour triggered by a perceived threat to one’s self-image or social standing. Historically, in group contexts such as ancient tribal communities, being criticised or cast out could have meant significant threat or death. However, today, even mild criticism can still activate that same fight-or-flight response for some people. As Nate Badley writes, "Defensiveness shuts down communication, destroys goodwill, and turns little issues into huge problems."

Common Types of Defensiveness

1. Counter-attack: The person responds to feedback with blame or criticism of the other. For example: "Well, you're not perfect either!"

2. Innocent victim: This looks like exaggerated self-blame or martyrdom to divert the conversation. For example: "I guess I'm just always the problem, aren't I?"

3. Justification: Giving lengthy explanations that ignore the emotional impact of the behaviour. For example: "I was just tired, that’s why I snapped."

4. Minimising or Denial: Downplaying the issue or denying it happened at all. For example: "It wasn't that big of a deal."

From a psychoanalytic perspective, defensiveness is understood as a manifestation of underlying defense mechanisms—unconscious psychological strategies that protect the ego from anxiety, conflict, or unacceptable impulses (Vaillant, 1992). These defenses operate automatically to reduce emotional pain and maintain a sense of stability.

Some common defense mechanisms related to defensiveness include:

• Denial: Refusing to accept reality or facts, blocking external events from awareness. For example, denying that one’s behaviour caused hurt to another.

• Projection: Attributing one’s own unacceptable feelings or motives onto someone else, such as accusing others of being critical when one is actually feeling critical internally.

• Rationalisation: Offering logical but false reasons to justify behaviour, avoiding the real, often painful, reasons.

• Reaction Formation: Expressing the opposite of one’s true feelings because the real feelings are threatening—for instance, responding to criticism with exaggerated friendliness.

• Displacement: Redirecting emotions from a 'dangerous' object to a 'safe' one.

• Intellectualisation: Focusing on abstract or intellectual aspects of a situation to avoid emotional engagement.

  
  

These defenses, while initially protective, can interfere with authentic communication and emotional connection. They prevent individuals from fully experiencing their feelings, understanding the impact of their actions, or engaging vulnerably with others.

Understanding defensiveness through this psychoanalytic lens helps to recognize it not simply as a negative behaviour, but as a signal of deeper emotional distress and unmet needs. This awareness opens the door to curiosity and compassion for oneself and others, which is the first step toward healing and change.

Impacts of Defensiveness

At Work

Defensiveness at work undermines team cohesion, collaboration, and psychological safety. According to Harvard researcher Amy Edmondson, psychological safety is the belief that one can speak up without fear of punishment or humiliation (Edmondson, 1999). When defensiveness prevails, it discourages feedback, reduces trust, and fosters a culture of fear or blame.

At Home and in Families

In family dynamics, defensiveness can lead to emotional misattunement. Family therapist Virginia Satir observed that when defensive patterns dominate, children and adults alike begin to feel unseen and invalidated. Over time, this creates emotional distance, hinders repair, and perpetuates generational patterns of disconnection.

In Intimate Partnerships

In romantic relationships, defensiveness blocks vulnerability and derails emotional safety. Gottman’s research highlights that when one partner is defensive, it often escalates conflict by triggering the other’s shame, abandonment, or mistrust. Over time, both partners may begin to feel blamed, misunderstood, or unloved. Without repair, defensiveness becomes a self-fulfilling cycle of emotional withdrawal.

In Faith Communities

Defensiveness in spiritual communities can be particularly complex. Leaders or members may respond to feedback or abuse disclosures with defensiveness, minimising concerns or spiritualising the issue. Clinical psychologist Dr. Diane Langberg has worked extensively with survivors of abuse in church settings. She writes:

"When institutions are confronted with evidence that someone representing them has done great harm, the first response is often to defend the institution rather than minister to the wounded" (Langberg, 2020).

Similarly, Lisa Oakley and Kathryn Kinmond (2013) have studied the dynamics of spiritual abuse and noted that institutions often silence or discredit survivors through defensive use of spiritual authority. This can cause deep harm, alienating those who seek truth and justice.

How to Shift Out of Defensiveness

1. Notice and Name It: Begin by acknowledging, "I'm feeling defensive right now," either to yourself or aloud. This self-awareness is the first step toward change.

2. Slow Down the Response: Take a pause. Breathe. Give your nervous system time to settle before reacting.

3. Take Responsibility: Even if the feedback feels exaggerated, ask: "Is there a grain of truth here I can own?"

4. Assess the Risk: Ask yourself, "Am I actually in danger, or just feeling exposed?"

5. Consider the Other's Perspective: What might the other person be feeling or needing? Defensiveness often obscures empathy.

6. Remember the Cost: Understand that while defensiveness protects in the moment, it usually escalates the problem.

7. Use Regulated Language: Say things like, "That was hard to hear, but I want to understand," or "I'm struggling to stay open right now."

8. Practice Self-Compassion: Defensiveness often comes from shame or fear. Meet those feelings gently, not with further judgment.

9. Engage in Self-Reflection: Regularly reflect on your emotional triggers and defensive patterns. Journaling, mindfulness, or talking with trusted others can deepen your understanding and promote growth.

10. Seek Therapy or Professional Support: Working with a therapist can provide a safe space to explore the roots of defensiveness, learn healthier coping strategies, and build emotional resilience. Therapy also helps unpack underlying schemas or past experiences fueling defensive responses.

    
    

How Schema Therapy Helps

Schema Therapy offers a helpful framework for understanding the roots of defensiveness. Many defensive responses arise from deeply ingrained emotional schemas—core patterns developed in childhood. For example:

• The Subjugation Schema might lead someone to deny or deflect anger to avoid conflict.

• The Defectiveness/Shame Schema could fuel over-explaining or intellectualising to avoid feeling exposed.

• The Mistrust/Abuse Schema might make even gentle feedback feel like an attack.

  
  

Defensive behaviour is often tied to coping modes such as:

• Detached Protector: withdrawing emotionally.

• Compliant Surrender: giving in to avoid conflict.

• Overcompensator: counterattacking or justifying.

  
  

Schema Therapy helps individuals identify these patterns, connect them to past experiences, and build new ways of responding that are grounded in vulnerability and emotional safety. With support, people can learn to stay connected even when they feel threatened—transforming defensiveness into dialogue, and protection into presence.

If you're interested in exploring these strategies further, please don't hesitate to reach out. At Curated Mind Psychology, I offer a compassionate and evidence-based approach to help you navigate and transform defensive patterns. Together, we can work towards healthier communication and deeper connections.

Feel free to contact me at via the contact form to schedule an appointment or to learn more about how I can support you on your journey.

References

• Badley, N. (2019, October 22). Stop Being So Defensive! | Dr. John Gottman's 4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3AxOhtYgopQ

• Edmondson, A. (1999). Psychological safety and learning behavior in work teams. Administrative Science Quarterly, 44(2), 350–383.

• Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishing Group.

• Langberg, D. (2015). Suffering and the Heart of God: How Trauma Destroys and Christ Restores. New Growth Press.

• Langberg, D. (2020). Redeeming Power: Understanding Authority and Abuse in the Church. Brazos Press.

• Oakley, L., & Kinmond, K. (2013). Breaking the Silence on Spiritual Abuse. Palgrave Macmillan.

• Satir, V. (1988). The New Peoplemaking. Science and Behavior Books.

• Vaillant, G. E. (1992). Ego mechanisms of defense: A guide for clinicians and researchers. American Psychiatric Press.

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