“Why Am I Like This in Relationships?” A Look at Attachment and Emotional Reactivity

Explaining Attachment Styles

Attachment theory offers a powerful lens for understanding how our early caregiving experiences shape the way we navigate adult relationships. From the first moments of life, the way a caregiver responds to an infant's needs — consistently, inconsistently, or not at all — helps form the foundation of the child's emotional and relational world (Bowlby, 1969).

These early relational patterns develop into attachment styles, which then influence how we experience closeness, manage conflict, and regulate emotions throughout life.

Critically, insecure attachment styles — particularly anxious and avoidant — have been consistently linked to emotion dysregulation and how we handle conflict in relationships (Moutsiana et al., 2014).

Secure Attachment: A Foundation of Emotional Stability

Secure attachment develops when caregivers are consistently responsive, emotionally available, and attuned to a child’s needs. These children learn that they can trust others, express distress without fear, and rely on others for comfort and support (Bowlby, 1969). Because their needs have been reliably met, they are better able to regulate emotions internally, tolerate distress, and engage in balanced, reciprocal relationships.

As adults, securely attached individuals are typically comfortable with intimacy and autonomy. They can express their needs without resorting to manipulation or withdrawal and can respond to a partner’s distress with empathy rather than defensiveness. Importantly, they are better equipped to repair relational ruptures and resolve conflict constructively, even under stress (Shaver et al., 2008).

Secure attachment is associated with greater emotional regulation capacity (Sroufe, 2005) and significantly lower likelihood of engaging in coercive or controlling behaviours (Jones et al., 2014). When a secure partner is in a relationship with someone who has an insecure attachment style, they can often act as a buffer, providing stability and modelling healthy relational strategies — though over time, this can become emotionally draining if the insecure partner does not engage in their own growth.

Anxious Attachment: The Pursuit of Connection at Any Cost

Anxious attachment often develops in childhood environments where caregiving is unpredictable. A caregiver may sometimes respond with warmth and care, but at other times may be intrusive, emotionally unavailable, or neglectful (Bowlby, 1969). This inconsistency leads the child to remain on high alert, constantly scanning for signs of rejection or abandonment. These early experiences result in hyperactivation of the attachment system — an over-sensitivity to perceived relational threats (Shaver, 2008).

In adulthood, anxiously attached individuals often feel a constant undercurrent of insecurity in relationships. They may fear being forgotten, abandoned, or replaced. As a result, they may behave in ways that seem demanding or controlling in an attempt to maintain proximity and emotional connection (Brennan et al., 1998). These protest behaviours mirror those seen in distressed infants — only now expressed as jealousy, clinginess, hostility, or emotional volatility when a partner pulls away or is perceived as distant (Allison et al., 2008).

When conflict arises, individuals with anxious attachment often struggle to self-soothe. Instead, they seek reassurance through external validation, which can lead to coercive behaviours — not necessarily out of malice, but as maladaptive attempts to manage intense emotional distress (Gou, 2019).

Avoidant Attachment: Protecting the Self Through Distance

Avoidant attachment tends to emerge when caregivers are consistently rejecting or emotionally unavailable (Bowlby, 1969). In this context, the child learns that expressing emotional needs results in disappointment or disconnection. Over time, they develop strategies to suppress their attachment needs entirely, choosing emotional self-reliance over vulnerability.

In adult relationships, avoidantly attached individuals may appear emotionally distant, uncomfortable with intimacy, and quick to withdraw during moments of emotional intensity or conflict (Gewirtz‐Meydan & Finzi‐Dottan, 2021). While they may value closeness on some level, their overriding drive is to maintain autonomy and control, often at the expense of emotional connection.

When the relationship feels threatened, avoidantly attached individuals may experience internal anxiety, anger, or resentment, but they struggle to express these emotions directly. Instead, their distress may manifest as stonewalling, criticism, withdrawal, or contempt (Jones et al., 2014).

Avoidantly attached individuals may be less aware of their own emotional distress and are more likely to suppress or dismiss their partner’s needs. This dynamic can become especially problematic in relationships with anxiously attached partners, creating a pursue–withdraw cycle where one partner craves closeness and the other fears enmeshment (Allison et al., 2008)

Disorganised AttachmentThe Disorganised Attachment style typically develops in environments where caregivers are simultaneously a source of comfort and fear. This paradoxical experience creates deep confusion for the child, who struggles to form a coherent strategy for seeking safety and connection. As a result, individuals with disorganised attachment often display contradictory or erratic behaviours in relationships—oscillating between seeking closeness and pushing others away out of fear. This attachment style is closely linked to early trauma, such as abuse, neglect, or unpredictable caregiving, which undermines the child’s ability to develop trust and regulate emotions effectively (Shaver et al., 2008).

In adulthood, disorganised attachment can manifest as difficulties managing conflicting desires for intimacy and autonomy, heightened anxiety around abandonment, and struggles with emotional regulation. These individuals may experience intense internal conflict, simultaneously craving connection while fearing harm or rejection. This can lead to patterns of relationship instability, mistrust, and challenges in forming secure, consistent bonds.

Emotion Dysregulation & Insecure Attachment.

Both anxious and avoidant attachment styles are linked to emotion dysregulation, which refers to difficulties managing emotional responses, especially under stress. According to Sroufe (2005), securely attached children learn emotional regulation by experiencing temporary separations from consistently responsive caregivers. These early “practice runs” build the capacity to manage distress in healthy ways.

In contrast, Moutsiana et al. (2014) found that individuals with insecure attachment histories show increased brain activation in areas responsible for regulating positive affect — suggesting they must work harder to achieve emotional balance.

When individuals are unable to regulate strong emotions internally, they may turn to external control of their environment, which can result in harmful dynamics such as manipulation, intimidation, or isolating behaviours — hallmarks of coercive control (Marín-Morales et al., 2021).

How Understanding Attachment Styles Helps in Therapy

Attachment theory provides a rich and compassionate framework for understanding the relational patterns people bring into the therapy room. Rather than viewing behaviours like withdrawal, emotional volatility, or controlling tendencies as simply “dysfunctional,” attachment theory invites both therapist and client to see these as adaptive responses to early relational environments. These patterns made sense at one time — they were protective strategies formed in response to unmet or inconsistently met needs.

When these people begin to understand their attachment style, therapy becomes a space for self-awareness, self-compassion, and intentional change. By naming the attachment patterns at play, these people can begin to notice how these show up in current relationships — especially under stress, conflict, or vulnerability. For instance:

• A person with anxious attachment may begin to recognise how their intense fear of abandonment drives patterns of emotional reactivity. This often includes people-pleasing behaviours and efforts to control situations or relationships in attempts to secure closeness and reassurance. They may find themselves overwhelmed by worries about being rejected or unloved, which can lead to frequent seeking of validation or becoming clingy. Therapy can help these people develop healthier ways to manage their fears and communicate their needs without resorting to controlling or overly dependent behaviours.

  
  

• People with avoidant attachment often struggle with discomfort around emotional intimacy. They may suppress their own needs, withdraw from connections, or downplay the significance of conflicts and relational ruptures to protect themselves from vulnerability. These people might appear distant or indifferent, but this is often a defence against deep-seated fears of losing control or being overwhelmed by emotions. In therapy, helping them to safely explore and express suppressed feelings can encourage more authentic connections and improve their ability to navigate conflict.

  
  

• Those with disorganised or fearful-avoidant attachment typically experience conflicting internal drives: a strong longing for closeness mixed with a profound fear of betrayal, loss, or harm. This is often rooted in early trauma or chaotic caregiving environments, leading to unpredictable and confusing relationship behaviours. They may simultaneously seek connection and push it away, creating cycles of intimacy and distance that are emotionally exhausting. Therapy provides a safe, consistent space where these people can work through trauma, build emotional regulation, and develop more coherent and secure ways of relating.This understanding can help people reframe their inner narrative: instead of seeing themselves as “too needy” or “too cold,” they begin to see themselves as someone whose relational system is trying to protect them — but may now be working against the intimacy and trust they genuinely desire.

  
  

In therapy, the therapeutic relationship itself becomes a reparative space, particularly when the therapist can offer consistency, emotional attunement, and a non-judgmental stance. Over time, this experience of secure connection can help reshape internal working models of self and others, increasing a client’s capacity for emotional regulation, vulnerability, and relational trust (Wallin, 2007; Sroufe, 2005).

Ultimately, integrating attachment theory into therapeutic work fosters insight, integration, and growth — helping people move toward relationships marked by mutual respect, emotional safety, and genuine connection.

If you’ve found yourself relating to any of these attachment styles, or if you’re struggling with emotional challenges in your relationships, therapy can offer valuable insight and healing. Understanding how your early experiences shape your patterns today is an important step toward building healthier connections and greater emotional balance.

I’m here to support you on that journey. If you’d like to learn more or explore how therapy can help you navigate attachment and emotional regulation that are impacting on your relationships, please don’t hesitate to get in touch here - Fees & Contact | Curated Mind Psychology

References

• Allison, C. J., Bartholomew, K., Mayseless, O., & Dutton, D. G. (2008). Love and aggression in adult romantic relationships: A conceptualization of adult attachment and abusive relationships. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 15(1), 1–25.

• Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.

• Brennan, K. A., et al. (1998). Attachment styles and behavior in relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(2), 384–399.

• Gou, H. (2019). Coercive control and anxious attachment. Journal of Family Psychology.

• Gewirtz‐Meydan, A., & Finzi‐Dottan, R. (2021). Attachment and coercion in relationships. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.

• Jones, R. E., et al. (2014). Attachment, emotion regulation, and coercion. Psychology of Violence.

• Moutsiana, C., et al. (2014). Insecure attachment and neural responses to emotion regulation. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 9(4), 499–507.

• Shaver, P. R., et al. (2008). Attachment theory and emotion regulation. Handbook of emotion regulation, 295–316.

• Sroufe, L. A. (2005). Attachment and development of emotion regulation. Attachment & Human Development, 7(4), 349–367.

• Walls, K. L., March, E., & Marrington, J. Z. (2024). Control in Intimate Relationships: An Exploration of Insecure Attachment Styles, Emotion Dysregulation, and Shame-Proneness. Journal of Family Violence, 1-15.

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