When Choice Isn’t Really Choice: The Reality of Coercion
- Kylie Walls
- Jun 21
- 11 min read
Updated: Aug 27
The Quiet Force Behind Words: Naming Coercion in Everyday Life
“I didn’t force her to do anything. She chose to go along with it — I just helped her see why it mattered.”
“He knew what the expectations were. I wasn’t pressuring him — just making sure he understood what could happen if things didn’t work out.”
“I didn’t tell them what decision to make. I simply reminded them of the kind of commitment we expect when someone is part of this ministry.”
These words might sound harmless, even caring. They come wrapped in a language of guidance, concern, or shared values. But beneath the surface lies the erosion of true choice, which is also referred to as coercion.
In personal relationships, coercion might sound like:
“I’m not trying to control you — I just want you to think about what this will do to us if you say no.”
· The implicit threat: If you don’t comply, the relationship may suffer — your partner may withdraw emotionally or create distance.
In the workplace, it might sound like:
“It’s completely your decision, of course. I just hope this won’t make things awkward for the team.”
· The implicit threat: Your standing with colleagues or future opportunities may be damaged if you decline.
In a religious setting, it might sound like:
“No one’s telling you what to do. We’re just asking you to prayerfully consider what message stepping back might send to others about your faith.”
· The implicit threat: Your belonging or spiritual standing may be questioned if you choose differently.
Coercion often doesn’t look like shouting, orders, or ultimatums. It lives in the quiet pressure between people (Stark, 2007; Dutton & Dooman, 2005). It suggests that love, respect, inclusion, and security might be withdrawn if a certain choice isn’t made. Often, those applying that pressure often don’t see it as coercion at all. They see it as persuasion, guidance, or necessary leadership.
We are more used to thinking of coercion as involving clear, explicit threats — threats to someone’s safety, livelihood, or freedom. And there’s no doubt: these overt forms of coercion are deeply toxic. They leave no room for real choice and often cause immediate harm.
But sometimes we overlook the more insidious forms of coercion — the kind that hides behind politeness, concern, or appeals to loyalty. And because they’re harder to name, they often go unchecked in relationships, workplaces, controlling faith communities, and beyond.
In these settings, coercion often operates through emotional pressure, expectations of loyalty, or unspoken rules about conformity and obedience. People may feel they have to comply—not because of explicit threats, but because they fear losing connection, respect, or safety within the group or relationship.
This kind of coercion can erode trust, autonomy, and well-being over time, even when no direct threats are made. Recognizing these patterns is essential for fostering healthier, more respectful environments where genuine choice and freedom flourish.
Defining Coercion
Coercion happens when someone is compelled to act against their will due to a credible threat (Stark, 2007; Dutton & Goodman, 2005). The threat doesn’t have to be physical—it might be emotional, financial, social, or spiritual—but it must create a sense that not complying will come with a consequence.
People don’t always realise that what they’re experiencing, or doing, is coercive. This is why it’s so important to name and understand coercion, especially in contexts where power is uneven or where boundaries have become blurred.
Coercion in Intimate Relationships
In romantic or family relationships, coercion is often emotional, relational, or psychological. It may be disguised as love, concern, or “normal” jealousy. Our Research found that coercion in relationships may be disguised as concern, love, or loyalty, but is often linked to deeper patterns of insecure attachment and emotion dysregulation (Walls et al., 2024). You can read more about this research here.
Credible threats in intimate relationships might include:
“If you leave me, I’ll hurt myself.”
“If you don’t do this, I’ll tell your family or friends something you don’t want them to know.”
Threats of ending the relationship or withdrawing love, affection, financial support, or something else.
Implied or explicit threats that non-compliance will lead to consequences like sulking, stonewalling, escalating conflict, or self-harm threats if the person doesn’t comply.
These threats don’t always have to be spelled out—they’re often communicated through tone, silence, body language, or repeated past behaviour. You can find more information on coercion in intimate relationships here, and here.
Coercion in the Workplace
In the workplace, coercion can show up in ways that feel subtle but carry significant pressure. For example:
A manager repeatedly assigning extra tasks with the expectation that you’ll say yes, while implying that refusal could harm your reputation or chances for promotion.
Indirect messages, such as relocating your office to a less desirable location after you refuse to support a leader’s proposal you believe is unethical. You may be labelled as “not a team player,” with hints that this could impact future projects or job security.
Being subtly or directly pressured not to report or raise concerns about unethical or unsafe practices, with hints that “rocking the boat” could harm your standing or career.
Because of workplace power dynamics and the importance of relationships and reputation, resisting these pressures can feel risky. Employees may comply, not out of genuine agreement, but to avoid conflict, social exclusion, or jeopardising their career. This kind of coercion can lead to burnout, anxiety, and deep disempowerment—especially when saying no feels like professional suicide.
Coercion in Religious or Spiritual Contexts
In faith-based environments, coercion can be deeply confusing and painful—especially when spiritual authority or moral responsibility is used to compel compliance. Coercion in spiritual contexts often comes with threats of exclusion from the community, loss of support, or spiritual condemnation if someone does not comply.
Credible threats in religious contexts might include:
Statements like “If you don’t obey, you’re out of alignment with God’s will” or “Leaving this ministry means stepping outside of God’s protection” use the approval and favour of God as leverage to coerce members into compliance.
By linking spiritual safety and divine approval to obedience, these messages create fear and pressure that make it difficult for individuals to freely make choices about their involvement. This tactic replaces genuine faith and trust with anxiety and control, undermining personal autonomy within the community.
“If you don’t support the leadership team, it means you’re not following God’s appointed authority,” implying that those who dissent will not be considered for ministry or leadership roles and may fall out of the leadership team’s “good graces.”
Coercion occurs when there is an implication that raising concerns, speaking up in meetings, or pointing out significant problems is tantamount to rebellion or a lack of faith. This is often accompanied by an implicit or explicit threat of being left out of social group activities, given the “cold shoulder,” excluded from leadership opportunities, or spoken about negatively by staff members.
When someone’s belonging, identity, or spiritual safety is at stake, the emotional power of coercion can be overwhelming. These behaviours are often linked to spiritual abuse.
Withholding as a Form of Coercion
Coercion isn’t always about threats or ultimatums to do something to an individual. Sometimes it’s about what’s deliberately not given—affection, support, approval, information, or even basic communication. This is known as withholding, and it can be just as powerful and damaging as more overt forms of coercion.
Withholding becomes coercive when it’s used to punish, manipulate, or gain compliance. The person on the receiving end may not be explicitly told what to do, but the message is clear: unless you behave a certain way, you won’t get what you need from me or be included in this group.
Examples of withholding as coercion:
In Intimate Relationships:
Silent treatment after a disagreement, used to force the other person to apologise or submit.
Withholding affection or sex to punish or pressure a partner.
Refusing to acknowledge emotional needs unless expectations are met.
In the Workplace:
Withholding key information that a team member needs to succeed or failing to provide prompt feedback or requiring materials in ways that sabotage progress.
Ignoring questions or requests, or the person in general, as a form of professional exclusion.
In Religious or Spiritual Contexts:
Withholding pastoral care or community inclusion from those who question leadership.
· Avoiding eye contact, greetings, or shared spaces to signal disapproval or rejection. A person may feel that they are being ignored or distanced by pastors or leadership after raising question.
Deliberately excluding someone from spiritual roles or opportunities as a consequence for non-conformity.
In all of this, there is a sense that belonging is tied to compliance. This kind of coercion is often confusing because it’s marked by absence rather than action. But it still communicates a clear message: you are being deprived of something desired or usually given until you comply.
Coercive Control Often Fits or Follows an “If–Then” Pattern
Coercive control often shows up in “if–then” patterns that appear rational on the surface but mask underlying threats. These statements may not always include the literal words “if” and “then,” but they follow the same emotional structure: a condition is placed on someone’s behaviour, and a consequence is implied or stated if they don’t comply. Dutton & Goodman (2005) highlight that coercion entails the conditional use of force or threat to compel compliance. The victim understands that if they fail to comply, then they will suffer harm or loss.
The pattern looks like this:
If you don’t do what I want, then something unpleasant will happen.
The threat may be spoken outright or hinted at through tone, silence, guilt, or passive-aggressive behaviour.
Some Examples:
In Intimate Relationships:
“Wow, must be nice to just do whatever you want. Some of us care about this relationship.”
➡ Translation: If you prioritise yourself, then I’ll punish you emotionally by implying that you are selfish and don’t care.
In the Workplace:
“You’re free to raise concerns—just be mindful how that might be perceived.”
➡ Translation: If you speak up, then there may be career consequences.
In Religious Contexts:
In spiritual settings, coercion can be especially confusing.
For example, someone might say:
“It’s disappointing to see your commitment slipping. We were starting to think you were really growing spiritually.”
This might seem like a comment about spiritual concern. But beneath it is a message:
If you don’t attend or participate, then your faith will be questioned.
In this way, spirituality becomes entangled with fear, shame, or social pressure, which is a form of spiritual abuse. Oakley & Kinmond (2013) describe spiritual abuse as a form of emotional and psychological abuse characterised by a systematic misuse of authority that impacts cognition, emotion, and behaviour. Even when indirect, these patterns of communicating and interacting create pressure, fear, and emotional harm. The coercive power lies in the underlying threat: that non-compliance will cost you something valuable—love, status, safety, salvation, or inclusion.
Perception Matters: Coercion Is About Impact, Not Just Intent
One of the most common ways coercion is dismissed or minimised is by focusing only on the intentions of the person exerting pressure—rather than the experience of the person on the receiving end.
“That wasn’t a threat, I was just providing you with a copy of the new contract to get your feedback.”“You’re overreacting, I didn’t mean it like that.”“You’re too sensitive, I wasn’t trying to control you. You are able to choose what you do.
But coercion isn’t defined by whether someone intended to be controlling (Lagdon et al., 2003). It’s about whether their behaviour made someone else feel that saying no would come with a consequence. It is also often accompanied by some forms of pressure, whether it is repetitive verbal attempts to persuade or negotiate. This means that the response of the person involved—their fear, distress, or sense of being trapped—matters much more than your intentions.
If someone perceives a credible threat and feels pressured to comply against their will, then coercion is likely taking place—even if the person exerting that pressure claims to be acting reasonably.
Minimising or denying someone’s experience (“That’s not coercion”; “You’re just imagining things”) only compounds the harm. It invalidates their fear and can become part of the coercion. For instance, someone may start to think there is something wrong with them, or they are to blame, making it more likely that they will comply or feel guilty for not complying.
If sometime indicates that they are feeling coerced, or pressured to comply, instead of defensiveness, what’s needed is curiosity and care:
What impact did my words or actions have on this person?
Did they feel they had a real choice?
Was there an implied or felt consequence or threat if they didn’t go along?
Am I underestimating their autonomy by acting in this way?
Naming coercion isn't about blame—it’s about creating safety. It helps us become more aware of power dynamics, more responsible with our influence, and more compassionate in our relationships.
What to Do If You Feel You’re Being Coerced
If you're reading this and recognising patterns of coercion in your own life—whether in a relationship, workplace, church, or another setting—know that you're not overreacting, and you're not alone. Coercion can be subtle and confusing, especially when it’s wrapped in concern, authority, “love”, or spiritual language. But your concern is valid, and it’s important to take it seriously.
Here are some steps you might consider if you feel you’re being coerced:
1. Name What’s Happening
Give language to your experience. Identifying that what you’re experiencing is coercion, even quietly to yourself, is often the first step toward regaining a sense of clarity and power. Ask:
Do I feel I have a real choice?
Is there an implied consequence if I say no?
Am I adjusting my behaviour out of fear?
2. Pay Attention to Your Body
Your body often knows before your mind does. Notice if you feel tense, frozen, anxious, sick, or shut down around certain people or demands. These responses are often signals that something in the dynamic is unsafe.
3. Talk to Someone You Trust
Isolation makes coercion more powerful. Reach out to someone safe—a friend, a therapist, a support service. Sharing your experience with someone who will listen without judgment can be validating and help you get perspective.
4. Keep a Record (If Safe)
Write down interactions, conversations, and how they made you feel. In emotionally charged situations, it can be easy to doubt yourself. Having a written record can help you track patterns over time—and may be useful if you decide to seek support or make a complaint later on.
5. Reclaim Choice in Small Ways
Coercion thrives when we feel we have no options. Try to identify small areas where you can safely assert your preferences or boundaries. These might feel minor, but they can rebuild your sense of agency and confidence.
6. Seek Professional Support
A psychologist, counsellor, or social worker can help you unpack what’s happening, validate your experiences, and support you to make safe and empowering choices. Therapy can also be a space to explore long-standing patterns of coercion or trauma.
Why It Matters
Coercion undermines autonomy, dignity, and trust. It takes away a person’s ability to make free, informed choices. Ultimately it undermines your sense of self. It can create fear-based relationships, workplaces, and spiritual communities, where silence and compliance are valued more than safety and honesty.
Sometimes coercion is calculated and deliberate. Other times, it’s learned behaviour,passed down through families, systems, or culture. But regardless of intent, coercion generally causes harm.
Naming coercion helps us reclaim agency. It empowers us to create relationships and communities built on consent, respect, and choice, not fear and control.
At Curated Mind Psychology, I offer compassionate support for individuals navigating experiences of coercion in relationships, faith communities, workplaces, and beyond. My work is grounded in both clinical experience and research. I have published research on control in relationships, exploring behaviours commonly associated with coercive control (Walls et al., 2024). My aim is to help clients recognise these dynamics, regain a sense of agency, and move toward healing. You can book an appointment here: Appointment Bookings.
References:
Dutton, D. G., & Goodman, L. A. (2005). Coercion in intimate partner violence: Toward a new conceptualization. Sex Roles, 52(11–12), 743–756.
Lagdon, S., Jordan, JA., Devine, P. (2003). Public Understanding of Coercive Control in Northern Ireland. J Fam Viol 38, 39–50. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-021-00355-5
Oakley, L., & Kinmond, K. (2013). Breaking the silence on spiritual abuse. Palgrave Macmillan.
Stark, E. (2007). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life. Oxford University Press.
Walls, K. L., March, E., & Marrington, J. Z. (2024). Control in intimate relationships: An exploration of insecure attachment styles, emotion dysregulation, and shame-proneness. Journal of Family Violence, 1–15. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-024-00784-y
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