Why People join and Stay in Spiritually Abusive or high control spiritual Environments

Sarah has been attending a church for years. She’s deeply connected to the community, her husband is in leadership, and her family is well-respected within the congregation. Her children have grown up in this church, and the sense of identity and people within the church are viewed as "family".

When Sarah raises some valid concerns about the new direction the church is taking, the reaction from the spiritual leader is defensive, dismissive, and at times, outright hostile. She feels targeted and ostracised, as if her concerns are not only unwelcome but a threat to the unity of the church. The leader’s tone becomes more authoritative, and instead of engaging in a constructive discussion, Sarah feels like she’s being silenced.

As weeks go by, Sarah begins to suspect that others in the congregation have heard about the incident. Her interactions with them become more distant, and she feels like she’s no longer part of the “in crowd” as she once was. People who used to greet her warmly now avoid eye contact or offer shallow pleasantries. She can sense the shift—a subtle but painful distance that wasn’t there before. Sarah feels like an outsider in a place she once considered home, and the emotional toll of this growing isolation becomes more than she can bear.

Yet despite her growing discomfort, she remains in the church.

She stays because her family is embedded in the church, and leaving would risk isolating them from the community they’ve known all their lives. Her children are thriving there, they are well connected in the youth group, and she fears that if they leave, they will lose that sense of belonging. The church’s teachings about loyalty and obedience make her doubt herself—what if she’s just being rebellious? Maybe the problem is really with her?

But more than that, Sarah is afraid. She worries that by leaving, she might expose her children to adverse experiences that will cause irreparable harm to their futures. She is terrified of what close friends in the congregation might say or do, how her family might react, and the toll it could take on her husband. The idea of losing that central piece of her life feels unbearable.

This story is not uncommon. Many people stay in spiritually abusive environments for reasons like Sarah’s: deep emotional connections, fears about their children’s future, and the overwhelming belief that leaving would mean sacrificing not just a community, but their identity.

Why People join, Stay in & become complicit in Spiritually Abusive Environments

Spiritual abuse can be insidious, with individuals often entering or staying in high-control environments without fully realising the harm they are enduring. Understanding why people join and, more importantly, why they stay in these toxic settings is crucial for supporting those in these situations. Here, I explore the dynamics of spiritual abuse and coercive control, drawing on psychological insights to shed light on the complex forces at play.

Why People Join Spiritually Abusive Environments

Many individuals don’t seek out abusive environments intentionally. In fact, if the harmful behaviours were immediately clear, most people would avoid them. So, why do people join such communities or churches?

Unintentional Participation: Most people don’t knowingly walk into a high-control religious environment. Often, they’re drawn by a sense of belonging, meaning, or stability. However, once they are involved, the way they are treated may change, and there may be gradual changes in leadership or culture, and manipulation and control can be introduced without the person realising it.

Gradual Changes to a Previously Healthy Spiritual Environment: Leadership shifts in a churches regulalry, and with this the spiritual community can subtly, or dramatically change. A new charasmatic leader may bring with them positive change, but they may also manifest behaviours that promote coercion, manipulation, and isolation under the guise of spiritual growth. A person who once felt safe can start to feel like they are "walking on egg-shells", and a safe nurturing place can become a space of control and domination over time.

Love-Bombing: Many people, particularly those seeking stability and belonging, are vulnerable to what is known as “love-bombing”—a period of overwhelming affection and acceptance. This makes them feel validated and appreciated, and they begin to associate these feelings with the religious environment.

Trauma Survivors: Those with past trauma, especially from family or childhood abuse, may seek strong leadership and order. They may also feel more "at home" with dynamics similar to those they experienced in their abuse history. This can especially manifest in pastoral counselling, where a person who has previously experienced grooming and abuse in their childhood and adolescence may feel drawn to familiar patterns of manipulation and exploitation, particularly if they have not had the opportunity to process and understand these experiences. This can lead someone to be vulnerable to Adult Clergy Sexual Exploitation.

Trauma can also lead to people being more susceptible to toxic religious settings that mirror the patterns of dysfunction they’ve experienced in their family of origin. In these situations, harmful church dynamics may mimic dysfunctional family structures, making it harder for the individual to identify the abuse. Such familiar patterns may include: scapegoating individuals, triangulating relationships to stir conflict and control the narrative, isolating victims from outside support, fostering dependency on leadership, creating unhealthy loyalty demands, invalidating personal experiences, using guilt and shame to control behaviour, promoting an authoritarian hierarchy, and suppressing healthy communication or conflict resolution.

Why People Stay in Spiritually Abusive Environments

Even when people begin to recognise that something is wrong, at times, a spiritually abusive environment can feel impossible to escape. Here’s some reasons why:

Intermittent Punishment and Reward in Coercive Control: Spiritual abuse often follows a pattern of emotional highs and lows, creating an emotional rollercoaster. Victims are rewarded with affection or approval when they comply, but punished with criticism or withdrawal when they don’t. This inconsistency builds emotional dependence on the abuser and increases the victim's reliance on the abuser for validation.

Undermining Autonomy: Over time, victims lose their personal agency. They begin to rely on the abuser’s approval for their decision-making, which erodes their sense of self. The cycle of intermittent rewards and punishments keeps them tethered to the relationship, even when they feel distressed.

Cognitive Dissonance: When an abuser’s behaviour is unpredictable, it causes confusion. Victims often experience cognitive dissonance, where they rationalise or excuse the abuse to resolve the tension between their emotional attachment to the leader and the abusive behaviour they are enduring. This internal conflict can keep them stuck in the abusive cycle.

Betrayal Trauma: The term “betrayal trauma” refers to the deep emotional injury caused when the person or institution you rely on for safety, identity, or guidance harms you. ​The concept of betrayal trauma was introduced by psychologist Jennifer J. Freyd in 1991. In spiritually abusive environments, this betrayal is particularly damaging because it conflicts with the fundamental need for connection and security that faith communities often provide.

When harm is caused by someone in a position of trust—such as a spiritual leader—it feels like a double betrayal. Victims often try to preserve the relationship, excusing harmful behaviour or internalising guilt. They might tell themselves, “No community is perfect,” or “Maybe I misunderstood,” because questioning the authority feels like an attack on their faith.

Gaslighting: In abusive spiritual settings, leaders may employ gaslighting tactics to confuse and manipulate their followers. ​Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where an individual seeks to make another person doubt their perception, memory, or reality, leading to confusion and self-doubt. The term originates from the 1938 British play Gas Light by Patrick Hamilton, which was adapted into films in 1940 and 1944. In the story, a husband manipulates his wife into believing she is losing her sanity by subtly altering elements of their environment, such as dimming the gas lights, and insisting she is imagining these changes. gaslighting can be a tactic employed by spiritually abusive leaders. For example, common statements like, “You’re just being rebellious,” or “That didn’t happen like you remember,” cause the victim to doubt their own perception and reality. Over time, this erodes the victim’s self-trust, leading them to defer to the leader or group even when it violates their conscience.

Why People Become Complicit in Abuse in Spiritually Controlling Environments

Spiritual abuse is often framed as the result of a “bad apple,” where a rogue leader or individual is blamed for the harm caused. However, this perspective overlooks the crucial role that the system and environment play in enabling abuse. In fact, many instances of spiritual abuse are not just the fault of an individual but are deeply ingrained in the larger cultural and organisational structures of religious communities. Churches and religious organisations, when left unchecked, can become breeding grounds for toxic dynamics that perpetuate control, manipulation, and abuse.

This issue isn’t exclusive to a few “bad” leaders. The lack of accountability, especially within hierarchical church structures, can create environments where abusive behaviours go unnoticed or are rationalised away as a part of the “calling” or the “mission.” Spiritual leaders can wield significant power over their congregations, and this power can corrupt when it's not subject to oversight or boundaries.

Even well-meaning individuals, when placed in positions of unchecked authority, can unwittingly become complicit in harmful behaviours. When power dynamics are left unexamined and unchallenged, church members, leaders, and even outsiders may become part of the abuse, either actively or passively. They may overlook, justify, or rationalise actions that contribute to the harm, creating a culture where abuse is allowed to flourish.

Insights from Psychological Research

Psychological research provides valuable insights into why people, even those with good intentions, may become complicit in abusive environments, particularly in spiritually controlling contexts. Two well-known experiments—the Stanford Prison Experiment and the Milgram Experiment—offer critical lessons on how power and authority can lead people to participate in harmful behaviours, often without realising the gravity of their actions.

The Stanford Prison Experiment (1971)

The Stanford Prison Experiment, conducted by psychologist Philip Zimbardo, demonstrated how ordinary individuals can adopt abusive behaviours when placed in positions of unchecked authority. In this study, college students were assigned roles as either guards or prisoners in a mock prison environment. Within days, the “guards” began to exhibit increasingly abusive behaviour toward the “prisoners,” and the experiment had to be halted early due to the extreme levels of alarming behaviour and emotional distress caused.

​In spiritual contexts, leaders within a congregation who begin with good intentions can become oppressive when granted authority. The intoxicating nature of power can lead them to justify harmful control tactics, such as emotional manipulation, shaming, and coercion. Therefore, comprehensive training in understanding the nature of power, ethical leadership concepts, and the selection of humble, mature spiritual leaders are essential.

The Milgram Experiment (1960s)

The Milgram Experiment on obedience to authority revealed how ordinary individuals can carry out harmful actions when directed by an authority figure, even when those actions conflict with their personal morals. In the experiment, participants were instructed by an authoritative figure to administer increasingly severe electric shocks to an individual (who was actually an actor) for giving incorrect answers. Despite hearing distress and pleas for mercy from the person they were delivering the electric shocks to, a majority of participants continued administering shocks simply because they were told to by the experimenter.

This phenomenon of blind obedience is crucial in understanding why church members may continue to support toxic leadership or remain in spiritually abusive environments, even when the harm is evident. Just as Milgram’s participants disregarded their ethical instincts in the face of authority, church members may blindly follow spiritual leaders, even when they start to suspect that their actions are damaging. The authority of religious leaders is often amplified by their perceived connection to God, "spiritual authority", and concepts such as "calling" and "vocation", making their commands appear sacrosanct and beyond question.

The moral conflict created by this obedience is often accompanied by cognitive dissonance (Festinger, 1957)—the mental discomfort of holding two conflicting ideas at once. ​Cognitive dissonance occurs when individuals experience discomfort from holding conflicting beliefs or attitudes. To alleviate or suppress this discomfort, they may rationalise or justify their leader's harmful actions, aligning with the leader and becoming complicit, rather than supporting victims.

Both the Stanford and Milgram experiments highlight the powerful role of authority in shaping behaviour and exerting power over others in ways that are detrimental to their wellbeing.

If you find yourself in a situation where you're questioning your environment or the behaviours you're witnessing, take a moment to pause and reflect. Trust your instincts when you see signs of control and manipulation, or experience distress and confusion. It’s okay to question authority, especially when it’s harming your well-being, or you can see others being harmed. It is important if you become aware that you are in a high control, or spiritually abusive environment that you seek support outside of the community.

​At Curated Mind Psychology, I offer evidence-based counselling and support for those recovering from religious trauma and spiritual abuse.  My approach is collaborative; I will not attempt to change your beliefs but will support you in a way that is consistent with them. To learn more or to book an appointment, please visit the Curated Mind Psychology website.

References:

Festinger, L. (1957). A theory of cognitive dissonance. Stanford University Press.

Freyd, J. J. (1996). Betrayal trauma: The logic of forgetting childhood abuse. Harvard University Press. 

Hamilton, P. (1939). Gas Light: A Victorian Thriller in Three Acts. Constable and Company Ltd.

Milgram, S. (1963). Behavioral study of obedience. Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology, 67(4), 371–378.

​Zimbardo, P. G. (1973). A study of prisoners and guards in a simulated prison. Naval Research Reviews, 30(9), 1–17.​

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